Website Reveiw: Tampon Crafts!

Today the Queens of Snark and Sassafrass put a poor unsuspecting website on their proverbial chopping block! Fasten your seatbelts darling cuddlefaces because today Teea and Kelsey take on....

http://www.tamponcrafts.com

Craft #1: Tampon Viagra® Cufflinks

Kelsey: They look pretty classy considering the materials.

Teea: but what's the point of using the viagra for tracing purposes. Why not stick it on there? That way, you go to a fancy dinner party, meet a goldigger half your age and then you have the viagra RIGHT THERE.

Kelsey: They are a good joke gift really, the person that's wearing them gets it but no one else would really notice.

Teea: But then the little blue pill is fairly recognizable.. escpecially in a room with aging cassanova's or at the annual retirement home christmas party. It's worse than old people in the erotica section at chapters.

Kelsey: There are just so many wrinkles for fluids to get lost in.

Teea:It's like multiple choice... but they can't see so well so they're just guessing. It's the viagra... it's doing things to you. I think we need to move on before Kelsey loses her innocence completely...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:

3 1/2 cramps out 5.... it's nothing special

Teea. Gives It:

I'd say.... 3 cramps out of five... they loose 1 [unnatural boner] because they could have made it so much more functional.

Craft #2: Tampon ghosties!

Teea: I did not know halloween decorations could be so easy!And they serve a dual purpose... they scare trick or treaters and any man that comes withing 10 ft of them.

Kelsey: Why do men fear tampons so? this one hasn't even been used. Which is a shame really, it seems our ghost had a rather easy end.

Teea: That all depends, are tampons male or female? Hey... maybe that solves the previous question! Men fear tampons because they know that they're getting waay more action than they are... Hmm...Were those last couple of sentences as gross as I they made me feel?

Kelsey: they were beautiful

Teea: I'm trying to think of an expression to explain how bitter sweet that last sentence was... but unfortunatly, I can't think of any. The only sentence that popped into my head is 'old people making love' and I'm not sure that qualifies as sweet in the least... Viagra's going to give me nightmares... horrid... wrinkly... nightmares. All in all, I'm in favor of this... it's simple and it'll scare children.

Final Ratings:

Teea. Gives It:

4 sobbing toddlers out of 5

Kelsey Gives it:

I though we were using cramps? 4 1/2 sobbing toddlers from me

Craft #3: Bleeding Heart Tampon Earrings

Kelsey: I like the fact they try to make you do this craft to demonstrate your 'menstral pride'

Teea: Uugh. I don't think you can be romantic and have menstral pride at the same time. I thought menstral pride was reserved for angry feminist lesbians...

Kelsey: that and if your wearing them whilst menstrating you aren't going to be all that romantic seeing as how hormones are playing with your brain, thus making you a PMSy bitch-o-saur

Teea: Perhaps it's really a warning mechanism. It says 'I'm going to rip your head off, but I'm really sweet and romantic on non- bleeding days' But... I don't know... perhaps I'm all wrong, here... you're the flirting expert. How do you feel, in your infiniate man snagging knowledge, a boy would feel if a girl flipped back her lovely long tresses to reveal one of these babies?

Kelsey: well aside from the fact that their 'finished product' pictured isn't even vaugely heart-shaped I would think they would probably be quite confused upon first seeing it and if they ever discovered what is was made of I'd think they'd be rather sickened and if they couldn't tell what they are... perhaps they'd think your just a really big Luna Lovegood fan.... they kinda look like turnips

Teea: In which case, you're probably screwed anyways (not literally, of course... quite the opposite) But you know what, I think Luna Lovegood would wear actually tampon earings... JK Rowling should take a page out of the menstral crafts handbook...Provided witches USE tampons. Maybe they have a magical contraption or spell instead... hmm...

Kelsey: damn I'd love a spell for that. It's true though. Luna totally needs these earrings

Teea: Hmm... am I the only one who is thinking of some very bizzare and perhaps disturbing questions about wizards and witches that JK Rowling has failed to clarify...? And on a side note... do you think J.K Rowling would get all embarassed and indignant if I sent her this link... I'm considering it. Really... it opens up a whole new world of questions for me... Such as 'Do wizards need Viagra?'

Kelsey: clearly THAT'S what Moldey-shorts needed the philosopher's stone for!.... who needs eternal life, the guy just wanted a boner

Teea: Wouldn't a spell be simpler, though? Such a 'Diu Rigidus'?

Kelsey: but there are somethings even magic can't fix

Teea: yeah... curses... scars... erectile dysfuncion... frizzy hair...

Kelsey: how did a discussion about tampon crafts end up being about Hermione's hair? I mean it's a pleasent change from PMS and hot glue guns but really....Obsession runs deep I suppose.

Teea: Well, count yourself lucky that I'm not delving into the seedy underworld of Harry Potter fanfiction to discover my answers to wizards and erectile dysfunction... or else this conversation would a get a whole lot more unpleasant.

Kelsey: that sounds like a good one for our next feature thingy

Teea: Well... I hope that 'HaRrY + RoN Dizkuver their sECret love XXX YAOI' doesn't give me as many nightmare as your folds comment...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:
half a PMS driven 'gone-postal' shooting sprees out of 5, it's a pretty ugly craft man.

Teea Gives it:
Yes but... what is half a shooting spree. It's all or nothing in shooting sprees... I give it one hairly lesbian protester out of 5