Harry Potter Theories: Good and Bad

Alright, so there are plenty of theories and spoilers littering the interwebs right now. And of course there are the few questions everyone's obsessing over: Is Dumbley really dead? Who is R.A.B.? Is Harry a Horocrux, and all that jazz. I thought I'd take a moment to tell anyone who dares read this about a few of my favorites. Both for their ridiculousness and my own hopefulness. :]

The Chessboard Theroy:

This basically entails that The Chessboard chapter in the first book was foreshadowing for the entire series. For those who find this a foggy memory. In the first book when the Trio was working their way to the Philosopher's Stone, they came to one room where they were each forced to take the place of a chess piece on a giant wizarding board game. Ron, being a wizard chess fanatic, took the reigns and leaded Harry, Hermione and the other pieces to victory. However in order to win the game Ron was forced to sacrifice himself so Harry could take the King. Basically this theory states that this was an obvious metaphor for the series and in the end Ron will have to sacrifice himself so Harry can defeat Voldemort.

I like this theory, but I am not convinced by it. I don't think J.K. would put such a huge and literal foreshadowing in the very first book. It doesn't seem sneaky enough. However it would come as a shock. Very few fans are betting on Ron dying in the last book so having him sacrifice himself would be a bit shocking.

The Misdirection Theory:

Two boys fell under the prophecy made my Trelawney. Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom. This theory discusses the possibility that Neville is actually the chosen one and that Dumbledore focused on Harry to misdirect Lord Voldemort and thus keeping Neville under the radar and safe.

As much as I like this theory, There is an obvious flaw. One line in the prophecy states that the dark lord will mark the boy as his equal. There is no real way for this to point to Neville and it practically screams Potter.

Still, Dumbledore often states that Love and Heart will in the end be the greatest weapon against Voldemort. And if you ask me, no one has more heart than Neville Longbottom. Harry's a bit of a grump really....

The Young Mauraders Theroy:

This one is just plain laughable.

Harry and his friends are the new Mauraders. Harry is James (duh.), Ron is Sirius (Pureblooded, blood traitor best friend), Hermione is Lupin (she's smart.) and Neville is Petter Pettigrew (homely and awkward?) This theory goes on to say that in the end Neville will betray the others and turn to the dark side.

Maybe he'll kill Harry and Ginny while he's at it. Because Ginny is totally the new Lily.

ha ha ha.

There's some food for thought! See ya!

Website Reveiw: Tampon Crafts!

Today the Queens of Snark and Sassafrass put a poor unsuspecting website on their proverbial chopping block! Fasten your seatbelts darling cuddlefaces because today Teea and Kelsey take on....

http://www.tamponcrafts.com

Craft #1: Tampon Viagra® Cufflinks

Kelsey: They look pretty classy considering the materials.

Teea: but what's the point of using the viagra for tracing purposes. Why not stick it on there? That way, you go to a fancy dinner party, meet a goldigger half your age and then you have the viagra RIGHT THERE.

Kelsey: They are a good joke gift really, the person that's wearing them gets it but no one else would really notice.

Teea: But then the little blue pill is fairly recognizable.. escpecially in a room with aging cassanova's or at the annual retirement home christmas party. It's worse than old people in the erotica section at chapters.

Kelsey: There are just so many wrinkles for fluids to get lost in.

Teea:It's like multiple choice... but they can't see so well so they're just guessing. It's the viagra... it's doing things to you. I think we need to move on before Kelsey loses her innocence completely...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:

3 1/2 cramps out 5.... it's nothing special

Teea. Gives It:

I'd say.... 3 cramps out of five... they loose 1 [unnatural boner] because they could have made it so much more functional.

Craft #2: Tampon ghosties!

Teea: I did not know halloween decorations could be so easy!And they serve a dual purpose... they scare trick or treaters and any man that comes withing 10 ft of them.

Kelsey: Why do men fear tampons so? this one hasn't even been used. Which is a shame really, it seems our ghost had a rather easy end.

Teea: That all depends, are tampons male or female? Hey... maybe that solves the previous question! Men fear tampons because they know that they're getting waay more action than they are... Hmm...Were those last couple of sentences as gross as I they made me feel?

Kelsey: they were beautiful

Teea: I'm trying to think of an expression to explain how bitter sweet that last sentence was... but unfortunatly, I can't think of any. The only sentence that popped into my head is 'old people making love' and I'm not sure that qualifies as sweet in the least... Viagra's going to give me nightmares... horrid... wrinkly... nightmares. All in all, I'm in favor of this... it's simple and it'll scare children.

Final Ratings:

Teea. Gives It:

4 sobbing toddlers out of 5

Kelsey Gives it:

I though we were using cramps? 4 1/2 sobbing toddlers from me

Craft #3: Bleeding Heart Tampon Earrings

Kelsey: I like the fact they try to make you do this craft to demonstrate your 'menstral pride'

Teea: Uugh. I don't think you can be romantic and have menstral pride at the same time. I thought menstral pride was reserved for angry feminist lesbians...

Kelsey: that and if your wearing them whilst menstrating you aren't going to be all that romantic seeing as how hormones are playing with your brain, thus making you a PMSy bitch-o-saur

Teea: Perhaps it's really a warning mechanism. It says 'I'm going to rip your head off, but I'm really sweet and romantic on non- bleeding days' But... I don't know... perhaps I'm all wrong, here... you're the flirting expert. How do you feel, in your infiniate man snagging knowledge, a boy would feel if a girl flipped back her lovely long tresses to reveal one of these babies?

Kelsey: well aside from the fact that their 'finished product' pictured isn't even vaugely heart-shaped I would think they would probably be quite confused upon first seeing it and if they ever discovered what is was made of I'd think they'd be rather sickened and if they couldn't tell what they are... perhaps they'd think your just a really big Luna Lovegood fan.... they kinda look like turnips

Teea: In which case, you're probably screwed anyways (not literally, of course... quite the opposite) But you know what, I think Luna Lovegood would wear actually tampon earings... JK Rowling should take a page out of the menstral crafts handbook...Provided witches USE tampons. Maybe they have a magical contraption or spell instead... hmm...

Kelsey: damn I'd love a spell for that. It's true though. Luna totally needs these earrings

Teea: Hmm... am I the only one who is thinking of some very bizzare and perhaps disturbing questions about wizards and witches that JK Rowling has failed to clarify...? And on a side note... do you think J.K Rowling would get all embarassed and indignant if I sent her this link... I'm considering it. Really... it opens up a whole new world of questions for me... Such as 'Do wizards need Viagra?'

Kelsey: clearly THAT'S what Moldey-shorts needed the philosopher's stone for!.... who needs eternal life, the guy just wanted a boner

Teea: Wouldn't a spell be simpler, though? Such a 'Diu Rigidus'?

Kelsey: but there are somethings even magic can't fix

Teea: yeah... curses... scars... erectile dysfuncion... frizzy hair...

Kelsey: how did a discussion about tampon crafts end up being about Hermione's hair? I mean it's a pleasent change from PMS and hot glue guns but really....Obsession runs deep I suppose.

Teea: Well, count yourself lucky that I'm not delving into the seedy underworld of Harry Potter fanfiction to discover my answers to wizards and erectile dysfunction... or else this conversation would a get a whole lot more unpleasant.

Kelsey: that sounds like a good one for our next feature thingy

Teea: Well... I hope that 'HaRrY + RoN Dizkuver their sECret love XXX YAOI' doesn't give me as many nightmare as your folds comment...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:
half a PMS driven 'gone-postal' shooting sprees out of 5, it's a pretty ugly craft man.

Teea Gives it:
Yes but... what is half a shooting spree. It's all or nothing in shooting sprees... I give it one hairly lesbian protester out of 5

X3: The Last Reveiw

....lame title I know, sorry but it was the best I could come up with....

Being the avid X-man wannabe I am and having loved the first two movies, I will admit to feeling a little nervous when I heard that Brett Ratner would be replacing Bryan Singer as the director. However after hearing about the concept of a danger room sequence and the fleshing out of Kitty Pryde I decided to forget the internet gossip and wait till I saw it for myself. So yesterday, May 26th 2006, I was more than happy to toss on my black leather jacket (The 'X-jacket' as I dubbed it a year or two ago) and head to my local theater opening day.

WARNING! The rest of this article will contain spoilers. If you have a problem with that stop reading riiiiiiiight.......

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NOW!


Alright, although I loved this movie, I must admit it wasn't as strong as the first two. First off, take the much talked about Danger room scene. It started off with no explaination, clearly meant to surprise the veiwer, but to anyone who knows anything about the X-universe it was pretty obvious as far as what was going on. To me the whole scene felt cheap, I just can't put my finger on why. They only thing that saved it was Colossus and Wolverine's 'Fastball Special'.

Truly the stuff of legend.

For me, as a comic fan, one of the best parts of the X-men movies is trying to spot the cameos. And while a few cameos from X2 were fleshed out as major characters for this film (Beast, Kitty Pryde and Colossus) and of course, some entirely new characters were brought in (Angel, Callisto, Juggernaut, Multiple Man, Kid Omega, Arclight and Leech) So here's the break down. I was a little put off by the whole 'Kelsey Grammer as Beast' thing but he did a passable, if a little stiff job. Ellen Page was a fairly good Kitty, I am not going to complain but I won't rave either, she was very cute. Our two tough guys, Colossus and Juggernaut were great in my opinion, but of course keep in mind that muscley action men are clearly not the most challenging of roles. Cameron Bright was quite adorable as Leech and I did enjoy Multiple Man as played by Eric Dane. However none of our other new characters did it for me. I found them all a little boring.

I will point out again, despite all the nitpicky negative stuff I am saying I did enjoy this movie. The action scenes where quite well done and most of the costuming was superb (what? costuming is a big deal with me, okay?) except for one tiny detail. Why.... the hell...... was Callisto not wearing a damn eyepatch!?!? Ahem.... sorry about that..... it's been bugging me since I first say the photos in Wizard magazine.....

As far as returning actors go Hugh Jackman, Sir Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Anna Paquin, Rebecca Romijn and James Marsden all did great jobs once again. Famke Janssen absolutely blew me away as Jean Gray/The Pheonix, she was terrifying. I loved it! Also I was happy to note that Aaron Stanford and Shawn Ashmore are still as stunningly good looking as ever. They also did a great job in this film, but hey! Even if they stunk I honestly would not have noticed or cared. And as for Halle Berry? well let's just say that everytime I see that woman play Ororo Munroe I die a little more inside.

The one last thing that bothered me about this film was the Rouge-Iceman-Shadowcat love triangle. I realize the whole thing was concocted by the scriptwriters but still. Here they had both Kitty and Peter! they are the ultimate fairytale X-men couple! how could they not even hint at it? I don't understand.... Also found it funny that even though Kitty was barely mentioned in the other two movies in this one she is suddenly a full fledged X-man. In the comics it was such a big deal as far as how Professor X underestimated Kitty and she had to work so hard to prove herself. I really wish they had taken that oppurtunity and given Kitty's role a little more meat. but underfortunately they ignored that fact. A mistake on their part I would say....

Of course, as I said before it wasn't all bad. Among the high points where some great cameos (Siryn and Psylocke! hoorah!), the 'Fastball Special', the final shot of Magneto's chess piece (Oh.... My...... God.....), The surprise scene after the credits, Bobby Drake 'Icing' up, Vinnie Jones' exclaimation of 'I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch!', Famke as the Pheonix, Hugh and Famke's onscreen chemistry, Colossus carrying the huge TV around (I don't know why it was awesome, it just was), the costuming and the classroom scene with Prof X (I love the little moments)

Over all I love this movie and highly recommend it but don't expect it to surpass the first two because you'll end up hugely dissapointed.

Snuggles and Superpowers,

Kels