My Dreams....

I would very much like to write some sort of non-fiction book with the following title:

Shaving My Nipples
The Division of Love and Sex

(P.S. I am not infering that I actually shave my nipples. That would be terrifying.)

XP

aha hahahahahaha aha aha ha ha ha.





ha.

Harry Potter Theories: Good and Bad

Alright, so there are plenty of theories and spoilers littering the interwebs right now. And of course there are the few questions everyone's obsessing over: Is Dumbley really dead? Who is R.A.B.? Is Harry a Horocrux, and all that jazz. I thought I'd take a moment to tell anyone who dares read this about a few of my favorites. Both for their ridiculousness and my own hopefulness. :]

The Chessboard Theroy:

This basically entails that The Chessboard chapter in the first book was foreshadowing for the entire series. For those who find this a foggy memory. In the first book when the Trio was working their way to the Philosopher's Stone, they came to one room where they were each forced to take the place of a chess piece on a giant wizarding board game. Ron, being a wizard chess fanatic, took the reigns and leaded Harry, Hermione and the other pieces to victory. However in order to win the game Ron was forced to sacrifice himself so Harry could take the King. Basically this theory states that this was an obvious metaphor for the series and in the end Ron will have to sacrifice himself so Harry can defeat Voldemort.

I like this theory, but I am not convinced by it. I don't think J.K. would put such a huge and literal foreshadowing in the very first book. It doesn't seem sneaky enough. However it would come as a shock. Very few fans are betting on Ron dying in the last book so having him sacrifice himself would be a bit shocking.

The Misdirection Theory:

Two boys fell under the prophecy made my Trelawney. Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom. This theory discusses the possibility that Neville is actually the chosen one and that Dumbledore focused on Harry to misdirect Lord Voldemort and thus keeping Neville under the radar and safe.

As much as I like this theory, There is an obvious flaw. One line in the prophecy states that the dark lord will mark the boy as his equal. There is no real way for this to point to Neville and it practically screams Potter.

Still, Dumbledore often states that Love and Heart will in the end be the greatest weapon against Voldemort. And if you ask me, no one has more heart than Neville Longbottom. Harry's a bit of a grump really....

The Young Mauraders Theroy:

This one is just plain laughable.

Harry and his friends are the new Mauraders. Harry is James (duh.), Ron is Sirius (Pureblooded, blood traitor best friend), Hermione is Lupin (she's smart.) and Neville is Petter Pettigrew (homely and awkward?) This theory goes on to say that in the end Neville will betray the others and turn to the dark side.

Maybe he'll kill Harry and Ginny while he's at it. Because Ginny is totally the new Lily.

ha ha ha.

There's some food for thought! See ya!

Ha hahahahaha ha!

So Teea said something funny to me, the other day at work. You know what she said? She said,

"We should start posting on Scoundrelly again."

hahahahahahaha ha.

You Know It's Not A Secret....

The Photos of Kelsey With Childhood Candy on her Mouth Series Continues!!!!!!!!

Gummy Bears!!!!! <3 You're Jealous....

Website Reveiw: Tampon Crafts!

Today the Queens of Snark and Sassafrass put a poor unsuspecting website on their proverbial chopping block! Fasten your seatbelts darling cuddlefaces because today Teea and Kelsey take on....

http://www.tamponcrafts.com

Craft #1: Tampon Viagra® Cufflinks

Kelsey: They look pretty classy considering the materials.

Teea: but what's the point of using the viagra for tracing purposes. Why not stick it on there? That way, you go to a fancy dinner party, meet a goldigger half your age and then you have the viagra RIGHT THERE.

Kelsey: They are a good joke gift really, the person that's wearing them gets it but no one else would really notice.

Teea: But then the little blue pill is fairly recognizable.. escpecially in a room with aging cassanova's or at the annual retirement home christmas party. It's worse than old people in the erotica section at chapters.

Kelsey: There are just so many wrinkles for fluids to get lost in.

Teea:It's like multiple choice... but they can't see so well so they're just guessing. It's the viagra... it's doing things to you. I think we need to move on before Kelsey loses her innocence completely...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:

3 1/2 cramps out 5.... it's nothing special

Teea. Gives It:

I'd say.... 3 cramps out of five... they loose 1 [unnatural boner] because they could have made it so much more functional.

Craft #2: Tampon ghosties!

Teea: I did not know halloween decorations could be so easy!And they serve a dual purpose... they scare trick or treaters and any man that comes withing 10 ft of them.

Kelsey: Why do men fear tampons so? this one hasn't even been used. Which is a shame really, it seems our ghost had a rather easy end.

Teea: That all depends, are tampons male or female? Hey... maybe that solves the previous question! Men fear tampons because they know that they're getting waay more action than they are... Hmm...Were those last couple of sentences as gross as I they made me feel?

Kelsey: they were beautiful

Teea: I'm trying to think of an expression to explain how bitter sweet that last sentence was... but unfortunatly, I can't think of any. The only sentence that popped into my head is 'old people making love' and I'm not sure that qualifies as sweet in the least... Viagra's going to give me nightmares... horrid... wrinkly... nightmares. All in all, I'm in favor of this... it's simple and it'll scare children.

Final Ratings:

Teea. Gives It:

4 sobbing toddlers out of 5

Kelsey Gives it:

I though we were using cramps? 4 1/2 sobbing toddlers from me

Craft #3: Bleeding Heart Tampon Earrings

Kelsey: I like the fact they try to make you do this craft to demonstrate your 'menstral pride'

Teea: Uugh. I don't think you can be romantic and have menstral pride at the same time. I thought menstral pride was reserved for angry feminist lesbians...

Kelsey: that and if your wearing them whilst menstrating you aren't going to be all that romantic seeing as how hormones are playing with your brain, thus making you a PMSy bitch-o-saur

Teea: Perhaps it's really a warning mechanism. It says 'I'm going to rip your head off, but I'm really sweet and romantic on non- bleeding days' But... I don't know... perhaps I'm all wrong, here... you're the flirting expert. How do you feel, in your infiniate man snagging knowledge, a boy would feel if a girl flipped back her lovely long tresses to reveal one of these babies?

Kelsey: well aside from the fact that their 'finished product' pictured isn't even vaugely heart-shaped I would think they would probably be quite confused upon first seeing it and if they ever discovered what is was made of I'd think they'd be rather sickened and if they couldn't tell what they are... perhaps they'd think your just a really big Luna Lovegood fan.... they kinda look like turnips

Teea: In which case, you're probably screwed anyways (not literally, of course... quite the opposite) But you know what, I think Luna Lovegood would wear actually tampon earings... JK Rowling should take a page out of the menstral crafts handbook...Provided witches USE tampons. Maybe they have a magical contraption or spell instead... hmm...

Kelsey: damn I'd love a spell for that. It's true though. Luna totally needs these earrings

Teea: Hmm... am I the only one who is thinking of some very bizzare and perhaps disturbing questions about wizards and witches that JK Rowling has failed to clarify...? And on a side note... do you think J.K Rowling would get all embarassed and indignant if I sent her this link... I'm considering it. Really... it opens up a whole new world of questions for me... Such as 'Do wizards need Viagra?'

Kelsey: clearly THAT'S what Moldey-shorts needed the philosopher's stone for!.... who needs eternal life, the guy just wanted a boner

Teea: Wouldn't a spell be simpler, though? Such a 'Diu Rigidus'?

Kelsey: but there are somethings even magic can't fix

Teea: yeah... curses... scars... erectile dysfuncion... frizzy hair...

Kelsey: how did a discussion about tampon crafts end up being about Hermione's hair? I mean it's a pleasent change from PMS and hot glue guns but really....Obsession runs deep I suppose.

Teea: Well, count yourself lucky that I'm not delving into the seedy underworld of Harry Potter fanfiction to discover my answers to wizards and erectile dysfunction... or else this conversation would a get a whole lot more unpleasant.

Kelsey: that sounds like a good one for our next feature thingy

Teea: Well... I hope that 'HaRrY + RoN Dizkuver their sECret love XXX YAOI' doesn't give me as many nightmare as your folds comment...

Final Ratings:

Kelsey Gives it:
half a PMS driven 'gone-postal' shooting sprees out of 5, it's a pretty ugly craft man.

Teea Gives it:
Yes but... what is half a shooting spree. It's all or nothing in shooting sprees... I give it one hairly lesbian protester out of 5

Learning From the So-Called Master?

Teea. says:

But you should SO give lessons on your man wrangling tips!

Burning Schoolhouse says:

ha ha, like what?

Teea. says:

I don't know. That's why YOU need to give the lessons

Burning Schoolhouse says:

Hair tossing 101

Teea. says:

I've been doing that lately.. but just because it's too long

Teea. says:

Hmm

Teea. says:

begginer to advanced giggling lessons?

Burning Schoolhouse says:

perhaps

Teea. says:

Hmm... maybe you could come up with a mathamatic formula to balance cleavage and sluttiness?

Burning Schoolhouse says:

I am not so good at the maths, instead, 'acting like a ditz 100'

Teea. says:

Like... a sinosodal graph or something... the median line being maximum guy wrangling...

Teea. says:

Hmm...I think so

Teea. says:

I'd SO pay for lessons. You could teach a history lessons on bombshells throughout the ages... maybe an english lesson on steamy romance novels and self help sex books. Start a school, your flirtiness knows no bounds

Burning Schoolhouse says:

it's an intriguing possiblity

Burning Schoolhouse says:

but what would I call it?

Teea. says:

U.R. C.U.T.E.

University specializing in Rectifying Courtship Untruths and Temptation Errors.

Teea. says:

Yaaay! I wiin

Teea. says:

oor

Teea. says:

F.L.I.R.T

Faculty of Learing how to be in Interesing in Relation to Toms, dicks, and harrys.

Teea. says:

Buut that second one came off a little dirty and slightly nonsensical

Teea. says:

Got any others?

Burning Schoolhouse says:

ha ha ha ha

Burning Schoolhouse says:

No! FLIRT wins the internet!

Teea. says:

With all it's nonsensical vaguely dirty glory?

Burning Schoolhouse says:

yes!

Burning Schoolhouse says:

BTW you are totally posting this on scoundrelly

Teea. says:

I dread hearing that line...

Teea. says:

It's like the part of every single slasher movie, where the girl runs out of the forest and into a little house and traps herself, even if the killer walking reaaally slowly and would never catch up to her, and then she gets hacked to bits/ finds out a secret about the killer and then gets hacked to bits... and you're always expecting it but you hope, just once it doesn't happen....